What's Going On

Just updating, because this time of the semester is always interesting.

For starters, I haven't really gone to classes or done homework for a few weeks now. One of the unfortunate consequences of this is that my English teacher was worried about me. I don't like it when people worry about me. Especially people I like and respect. So I met with her briefly outside of class to assure her I was ok.

During this meeting, I found myself admitting that I didn't have any excuse for missing class and that all I'd really been doing was sleeping and reading and writing and watching TV during my hiatus. She responded by saying that she understood how that might be theraputic, but she also warned me that it sounded suspiciously like depression. She overtly suggested I go talk to someone about my problems and not so overtly suggested I not do anything harmful to myself.

Some part of me wanted to be angry at her because she was being very intrusive and nosy. But honestly, I just felt bad for making her worry. I wanted to comfort her. I wanted to tell her that I'm not the kind of person that needs to be worried about. That I would never and could never hurt myself no matter how bad things got because I don't like pain and am terrified of death. That I'm not depressed. Or that if I am, it's fine because I don't feel sad just apathetic and indifferent and sometimes a little angry. That no matter what, I'll be ok, I'll get over it. I always have. I always will. I'm just that kind of person.

Of course, I didn't tell her those things. Instead I just asked her not to worry without providing her good reason not to. Even still, I hope it helped a little. I don't like when people worry about me.

Speaking of teachers, I had to meet the English department chair not too long ago for him to sign my degree sheet so that I can graduate. I took a class with him one semester: post-modernism and film. He is the most intelligent, intellectual, verbally eloquent person I have ever met. I think I idolize him a little. I always want to seem smart in his presence. I want to seem worthy of speaking to him. But when I go near him, I always feel like I'm bumbling.

On the last day of the class I took with him, he handed back our final papers. When he gave me mine, he said "much better." He said this because my first paper for that class had been crap. I didn't want to write it. I spent not nearly enough time on it. It was crap. I knew it. For the last paper, I made sure I wrote a brilliant paper because I wanted him to know I was a good student and an intelligent person. So I was happy with his praise, but already knew the thing he told me. So all I said to him was "I know."

I've been kicking myself for that comment ever since. I wonder how it sounded to him. Arrogant? Dismissive? Suspicious? I can't help thinking I should've expained it more or just graciously said "thank-you." When I was on my way to get him to sign my degree sheet, I was actually considering apologizing for the comment.

But of course, when I got to his office I did no such thing. I wasn't even sure if he remembered me. I was just one student from one of his classes. So everything was business when I saw him. For both of us. Until I was about to walk out with my signed degree sheet. He called me by my name and asked me how I was doing.

I wish he hadn't. I almost spilled everything about how I was feeling about life, school, family. But I couldn't. A man like him, a tenured univeristy professor with a B.A., an M.A., and a PhD could never understand lack of motivation, right? So I just mumbled something about senioritis and he wished me luck getting through it. Then I left. And now I've got even more to kick myself about.

In a drastic change of subject, the final project for my playwriting class is that one of the theatre troops on campus will be putting on a ten minute play from each student in my class. I sat in on the rehearsal for my play today. It was a decidedly bad experience. I won't bad mouth the director or actors, because that's not nice, but it's really hard to watch something you wrote be misinterpreted or just mauled.

I mean...when it was read in my class, it went over really well. My classmates understood it. They knew when it was funny and they knew when it was serious and they undertood why. But the actors don't seem to get it. They kept trying to be serious and realistic when they were supposed to be dramatic and over-the-top and funny. And when they were supposed to be realistic, they just came off as ingenuine. The director seemed to understand what I intended with the play, but didn't seem to convey it to the actors well. Of well, I'm prepared to be dissapointed with the production. I guess there's a lession in that, namely that I'm not meant to be a playwriter. I don't like my work in other people's hands.

In other news, I have a ton of work to do and I'm not doing it at all. I have a paper that's a month late. I have a paper that's a day late. I have a paper due today. I have a paper due Monday. I have a project due Monday. I have an exam on Thursday. I have exam on Friday. It'll all get done eventually, I suppose.

Someone told me not too long ago that they like this me. The fuck the world, I do what I want me. This me, they said, is sexy.

I suppose it would be if I actually felt that way. But I don't. I'm not thinking "I don't want to do my work, so I'm not going to." I am thinking "I don't want to do my work, but I have to." And even if I don't have to, it still feels that way.

I don't feel liberated or sexy, just trapped. I'll be so damn happy when school is over and I'm finally let out of the cage, even if only to stretch my wings for a little while before being put back.

Indifference

I'm taking the GREs tomorrow.

I should get some sleep. I probably won't.

I should have studied A LOT more. I didn't.

This is probably the most important test you will ever take said somone. They're probably right.

I should care. I don't.

I'm seriously considering skipping out on the test. But it's paid for, so I might as well take it. I guess.

I just don't give a damn. From the severe senioritis I'm suffering from right now, I know for a fact that I don't want to go to grad school. I don't want to do more tedious work, more research, more "learning." I just want to write and draw and read. That's it. That's my ambition. I don't need a MA or a PHD to feel good about myself at night. I just need to be able to do something with my life that I don't loathe. So yea...couldn't give a fuck less about the GREs.

In other news, my playwriting teacher invited our class to her apartment to hang out today. It was nice. We just sat around and talked about plays, fiction, literature, films, etc. I love writers.

Speaking of writing, I have this idea for a Naruto fanfic that's been burning my mind all day. I've never written fanfiction, but this idea refuses to be let go so I guess I'll have to do it.

Sadly, Naruto fanfic has been getting me through life for the last few weeks. Pathetic. I know. It's been mostly smut too. Even more pathetic. I know. Who knew I liked that kind of thing? I usually sit comfortably on my literary high horse refusing to even look at crap like that.

Doh well. Que sera, sera.

Angst: Apparently Not Just A Teenage Phase

So, I'm working the closing shift at my job for the third night in the row. Why? Because I'm the responsible one. Because I'm the one with the good work ethic. Because I'm the one that holds things together. Because I'm the one that always sucks it up and does what needs to be done because, well, somebody has to do it.

I've skipped all my classes for the last 3 days. Homework too.

I'm tired of being responsible.

I don't want to do school anymore. But it isn't just school. I won't want to do work when that comes either. I don't want to do anything that I don't want to do. I don't want obligations. I don't want obligations monopolizing my time, leaving me so spent at the end of the day that I don't have the energy to do the things I love.

I know. It sounds lazy. People have to work. That's just the way it is. A person's got to eat. But I just wish life were simpler. It's too damn short to waste doing things you don't like. Isn't it?

But if I sit around doing the things I like all day (sleeping, writing, drawing, reading, music, TV, video games, sex...) I'll struggle. I'll live uncomfortably. I mean, really, what are the chances that any of my writing will ever be profitable enough to live on? Let alone soon enough to allow me to never have to do things I don't like. I don't want to struggle anymore. I've had enough of that in my life.

Angst. That's what I feel. There's no better way to describe it. And there's no way to get rid of it. Sometimes I can lock it away, push it down under my subconscious for a little while, but it always resurfaces, strong as it ever was.

It's depressing. It makes me want to give up and just lie in bed all day. But I don't. And I won't. Because I am the kind of person who always sucks it up and does what needs to be done. Because what else are you going to do?

A Little Soft-Shoe With Your Soup?

Is it me or is the Chicken Noodle Soup Dance exactly the same as shuckin' and jivin'? What the fuck is up with that? Black people, can we stop exploiting ourselves and start doing meaningful work again? You know... Harlem Renaissance, Civil Rights type shit. NOT minstrel show, blacksploitation shit. Please?

Summer Movie Madnss Part I'un

So...I see a lot of movies during the summer. Here I'm going to tell you what I think of them. I've placed them roughly in the order I saw them. WARNING: I'll probably ruin the plots of some. Sorry.

The Davinci Code - I'm a firm believer in the idea that how much you expect from a movie greatly affects what you get out of it. This movie I expected to be garbage. I mean, it is an adaptation of a mystery novel and most mystery novels are garbage, so...yea. I expected nothing. I just wanted to see what everyone else was so excited about. However because I anticipated so little, I walked out of the movie theater thinking "that wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be" while everyone who had been looking forward to it left pissed off.

M:i:III - What can I say about this one? I thought it'd be horrible. What sequel of a sequel isn't? Really my bf and I only went to see how crazy Tom Cruise had gotten (he did all his own stunts in the movie and judging by those I'd say he's gotten pretty freaking looney. sane people don't jump off buildings). But again, this movie wasn't that bad. It wasn't great, but it was fine for what it was. There was plenty of action, the plot was pretty good, and there were even a few "twists." Nothing to complain about.

Ice Age 2: The Meltdown - Yes, I enjoy watching a prehistoric squirrel chase a nut for two hours. Oh, the vultures were pretty good too. Seriously, though. I liked it. Feel good, but still funny and entertaining.

X-Men: The Last Stand - Brett Ratner what have you done to my beloved x-men? seriously dude, you fucked it up. I mean, I assumed this movie was going to be bad as soon as I saw the preview and realized it was trying to do the phoenix, apocalypse/cure, and mutant wars sagas all at the same time, but I was prepared to watch it anyway cus I love the x-men. I'd be happy as long as I saw them, so I assumed. But no, this movie was just bad. It brought up a bunch of characters that it didn't develop or portray accurately, the fight scenes were consistently anti-climactic, and the plot was both simplistic and muddled. The best part of the movie was the very end (magneto and the chess set and the scene after the credits) and thats always sad.

An Inconvenient Truth - The most entertaining and scariest slideshow I've ever seen. Love Al Gore. Wish he'd run in '08. Hate stupid businesspeople that like to pretend that creating an unliveable environment is worth the money they make doing it. Nuff said.

Superman Returns - GREAT movie. 2 thumbs up and a big juicy kiss to Bryan Singer. There was action, there was romance, there was drama, there was comedy, 3-dimensional characters, great villain, good acting, good scenery, great plot...what more could i ask for? Now, admittedly, I'm a bit bias. I love superman. But because I loved the old Christopher Reeves movies, I was afriad for this one. There was so much potential to fuck it up. But they didnt. Kevin Spacey made a great, evil, genius, businessman, revenge-crazed, coldblooded, cutthroat Lex Luthor. Brandon Routh (eerily and wonderfully reeve-ish) was everything superman should be: smooth, confident, capable, handsome AND everything clark kent needs to be: bumbling, clumsy, awkward, nerdy. Kudos to both of them. GREAT ending by the way. I look forward to the sequels.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest - Now, this was a case of me expecting too much. I was excited for this movie. I loved the first one and anticipated a sequel judging by the ending of the original. But this movie was just bad. Plot was flimsy and unresolved. The CGI was over the top and didn't come off looking good. The fight scenes were dissapointing. The villain was and main gimmick of the movie were just not as cool as I think Disney thought they were. The best part of the movie was Johnny depp's performace (and even that didn't save it for me, which is pretty sad cus I love him). But again, I expected too much. I expected a sequel, forgetting that Pirates of the Caribbean is a trilogy and therefore, this is not a sequel so much as filler before movie #1 and #3. Doh well. I still look forward to the next one.

A Scanner Darkly - Not bad at all. I liked the rotoscoping technique. I liked the plot. Interesting characters. I think i'll read the book now.

Lady in the Water - I read and heard a lot of bad reviews of this movie, but I liked it. I think the people that didn't just didn't go into it with the proper expectations. M. Knight has repeatedly said...this is a fairytale I tell my children, so you should've believed him and expected a fairytale. A traditional one, like the Grimm or the Hans Christian Anderson ones. You know, the ones that are dark and scary with morals but not-so-happy endings. And for a fairytale, this was a great movie. Had the whole good and evil thing going on. Had the whole everything and everyone has a purpose thing (which is also one of M. Knight's recurring themes as well as a fairytale theme.) Also had at least one twist (wouldn't be a Shyamalan flick without one). I really respect M. Knight Shyamalan's ability to create a totally original bedtime story (albeit a nightmare inducing one). I also love how the movie kept calling attention to its artificiality (i.e. "this is just like a scene in a horror movie"). Also, this was a lot funnier than most of most of M Knight's movie. And at the same time, still scary, still serious. I love his ability to sway the crowd from laughter to tears to feel good. Thats the mark of a good story and a good storyteller. As always, kudos to M. Knight.

Big Brother Says

I've always enjoyed pessimistic, paranoid writers. In fact, some of my favorite stories are those depicting dismal futuristic distopias. You know: 1984, Fahrenheit 451, Brave New World, Anthem, A Clockwork Orange, V for Vendetta, etc. The worlds they depict are depressing and creepy, because they resemble our own. They show us how easily democracy can slip into something more sinister and that ease is frightening. But these tales are, in the end, relieving. They allow us to say things like "that's only fiction" and "our government/country/world is not that bad.

...Or at least they used to. Now a days, I don't feel so reassured. Everyday I increasing feel as though the only thing we can honestly say anymore is "Our government/country/world is not that bad yet."

The Patriot Act
War, lies, false pretenses
Secret Prisons
Torture
NSA Wiretapping
Internet and Phone Companies being forced to hand over consumer/client records
Financial tracking
Proposed amendment DENYING citizens rights (Gay marriage ban) - it would be the first such amendment
Reporters arrested for not revealing sources
Attempt to ban flag burning (the most paradoxical thing ever seeing as how burning a flag is an expression of the freedom the flag is meant to represent)
And on, and on, and on...

And now, THIS.

Treason? Really? Treason? WTF. Seriously, What The Fuck. Treason and Democracy cannot logically co-exist. Just so everyone remembers:

AMENDMENT #1
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

I.E. in our country, people and the press are free to think, believe, and say whatever the hell they want. dissent is not only legal, it is the cornerstone of our democracy. if the US government wants to start throwing the word treason at people who are speaking an acknowledged truth, then it might as well be honest and admit we no longer live in a democracy (if anyone believes we ever did, that is).

WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH

the fact that one could effectively argue that any of those slogans are our government's right now has completly ruind my love of sci-fi dystopias. thanks a lot, America.

This Week...

An old, wrinkly, grandmotherly old white woman came into Borders and bought everything she could find with a person of color on the cover. She said she was buying books for a friend of hers, the bishop of an A.M.E. church. She kept going on about how the bishop was like 80, but looked 40. Brent would say "black don't crack," but I just smiled and nodded. She also kept going on about how the books were going to go to children in Africa and how happy the teachers there would be. She had no idea how much of her two baskets of books and dvds was appropriate and how much wasn't. She made no secret of this. However, it was still entertaining to see Martin Lawrence products in her cart. But what are you gonna do? Her intentions were good. To her credit though, she did refuse to buy anything authored by a white person, because "they could get that anywhere." True. True.

The Ipod posters around Boston have changed. For the longest they have been blue backgrounds with African-American characters. Now the backgrounds are pink with white folks at the center. And how can I tell the race of the models when they are silhouetted? Well, I'd love to tell you, because I found it extremely interesting how apple chose to distinguish them. In the pink posters, the silhouettes' hair is long and flowing, flying in all directions. Their positions are extremely active: kicking, punching, dancing, etc. Now, the old blue posters are differemt. Their hair is consistently short and curly/nappy/afroed. Their positions are stationary. They are simply standing. They are often adorned with accessories such are headwraps, earrings, braceletts, and necklaces of a stereopical ethnic look. Now, some might say, these really are differences between black people and white people. Maybe. Seems to me it's more about power relations though. And if you don't see why...go ask someone who knows something about media or race or body language or power...or life.

Is it me, or do Scarlett Johannsson and Kerry Washington look exactly alike (just oppositely raced)? Seriously. I don't have links, mainly cus I didn't feel like looking for any, but you should go check it out somewhere. I saw them together in a L'oreal ad today, so I guess someone else agrees with me. Or maybe it's just coincidence.

I saw "An Inconvenient Truth." All I have to say is 1.) Apple must be very happy about all the product placement 2.) Damn, Al Gore is buff. Like seriously, he could take ANYONE 3.) Damn US 4.) Try to live inland if you can 5.) Go to www.climatecrisis.net and do what you can 6.) Gore me, Baby, one more time! (as in, despite the fact that Gore swears he is not running in 2008, I really really want him to)

The cow parade is in Boston (boston.cowparade.com). We have the ballet cow and the John Updike cow in front of Borders. It's very entertaining. You'd be surprised what painted cows inspire people to do.

Anyone know whatsup with the string of "man" commercials lately? Such as McDonald's "I am man hear me roar..." and TGI Friday's "Beef, Pork, Steak, Vegetable Medley...I mean, Sausage" or Vault's "If you want him to throw 50 yards, give him 50 yards." If you have no idea what I'm talking about, go watch tv. Or youtube.com. or google videos. The commercials are so bad.

I've noticed that guachos really really reveal asses. If your ass is not perfect, you probably shouldn't wear them. I've seen way too many asses that I would never have any desire to see in way too much detail this week. Please spare me in the future.

I saw an ad for "Blade: The Series" today. WTF?!! Was Blade Trinity not bad enough. Jebus, make it stop.

Ok, enough rambling. I'm outtie.

Straight from Borders' Break Room

Fun Quotes: Officially my favorite part of working at Borders. The people, and therefore lunch breaks, are pretty entertaining. Here's a taste.


Employee #1: Yea, SBC calls the customers guests. I don't think so. To me, guests are people I can tell to get the fuck out. And I can't tell the cafe "guests" to get the fuck out, now can I?


Employee #2: What's your favorite way of telling people to get the fuck out?
Employee #1: Just like that. I just tell them, "get the fuck out."
Employee #2: I like to just get up mid sentence and open the door.
Employee #1: Well, this one time, I said very loudly to my girlfriend, "if these people don't get the fuck out, I'm going to make them get the fuck out."


Employee #1: Well, one of the people there was this guy that's been trying to get into my girlfriend's pants for like the last five years. Didn't really want him there.
Employee #3: Oh, is she one of those girls that insists that he's "just a friend?"
EMmployee #4: I hate when girls do that. It's perfectly ok to admit that a guy you don't like wants to get into your pants. Happens all the time. Nothing abnormal about it. As guys themselves, boyfriends should understand that.
Employee #1: Yea, single guys don't have girl friends, just women they want to sleep with.
Employee #4: Single guys have girl friends, they'd just be willing to sleep with them if given the chance.
Employee #2: Look, I'm a single guy and I separate people into 3 categories: friends, douchebags, and women I want to sleep with.


I think that's sufficient for now. Stay tuned for more tantalizing, but totally insignificant, information.

This Week(ish) in Carla

Seniors graduated; I moved. Approximately 3 blocks. I'm subletting from a co-worker for the summer. The place has 2 balconies, a front door that locks, AC, and a functioning showerhead. It's about 10 minutes from my bf's place and 20 minutes from the nearest T stop. What more could I ask for (in boston)?

It stopped raining. Unless you've endured 2 weeks of constant cold, wet, grayness, you don't understand why this is noteworthy. But, trust me, it is.

Got a job for the summer. At Borders. In the bookstore and its cafe (seattle's best). I realized, once again, that I hate food service. The same customers who are kind and patient in the bookstore become entitled, cranky, rude assholes in the cafe. On the other hand, the bookstore is great. I love books. I love people who love books. I love learning about the book/publishing industry. Plus, the customers (like the one who calls himself Jesus, or the one who rufuses to touch money with her bare hands, or the one who keeps asking particularly for me everytime he comes into the store after I helped him find a book one day) provide interesting tales.

Saw Davinci Code, X-Men 3, M:i:III, and Ice Age 2. None of which were as bad as I thought they'd be, but none of them were too good either. Honestly/sadly, Ice Age 2 might have been the most entertaining. Still waiting on Superman returns and Pirates of the Caribbean 2. On the subject of movies...everyone go see Brick. It was good and probably needs support.

I had a co-worker tell me today that he once dated a Korean girl and therefore he is well-versed in race issues. He's a nice guy, he's a smart guy, and he has very good taste in literature. But still... can't escape that whole well-intentioned, ignorant, white person thing. Dah well.

Live from Medford, this Carla signing off. Goodnight and god-like figure bless.

Holy Stephen Cobert Cont'd

Stephen Colbert's White House Correspondents Dinner speech has been taken off youtube.com because of "copyright infringement." So, in case anyone cares, here's someother places can find it:

http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2723919?htv=12 - video

http://dailykos.com/storyonly/2006/4/30/1441/59811 - Transcript

Enjoy.

Holy Stephen Colbert

I'm a cynic. And not just a today-is-going-to suck one, but a big, huge, the-world-is-shitty-and-is-never-going-to-get-better pessimist. That being said, this man and this speech just gave me so much hope. That he said what he said where he said it and walked away unscathed blows my fucking mind.

I'm sure Stephen Colbert will never see my blog, but I really just need to say...I am awestruck by your courage and integrity. You definately just become my hero. So, tip of the hat to your huevos grandes. I hope others follow your lead.

Go see Stephen Colbert's speech at the White House Correspondents' Dinner (RIGHT NOW!):
http://www.thankyoustephencolbert.org/

I'm The Scorpio, Gotta Love Me

excepts from an eerily correct astrological description...

Scorpios are the most intense, profound, powerful characters in the zodiac. Even when they appear self-controlled and calm there is a seething intensity of emotional energy under the placid exterior. They are like the volcano not far under the surface of a calm sea, it may burst into eruption at any moment.

In their everyday behavior they give the appearance of being withdrawn from the center of activity, yet those who know them will recognize the watchfulness that is part of their character. They need great self-discipline, because they are able to recognize the qualities in themselves that make them different from other humans, and to know their utterly conventional natures can be used for great good, or great evil [...] they make lifelong enemies by their outspokenness, for they find it difficult not to be overly critical of anything or anyone to whom they take a dislike.

Part of the negative side of the Scorpio nature is a tendency to discard friends once they cease to be useful.

They are fortunate in that their strong reasoning powers are tempered with imagination and intuition, and these gifts, together with critical perception and analytical capacity, can enable the Scorpions to penetrate to profundities beyond the average. They have a better chance of becoming geniuses than the natives of any other sign.

Rebelliousness against all conventions, political extremism to the point where hatred of the Establishment makes them utterly unscrupulous terrorists, brooding resentment, aggressive and sadistic brutality, total arrogance, morbid jealousy, extreme volatility of temperament, these are some of their vices. At the other extreme is the procrastinator, the man or woman who is capable of so much that they do nothing and become indolent and self-indulgent, requiring extravagant praise and flattery from those whom they make their cronies.

Scorpio is the symbol of sex and Scorpios are passionate lovers, the most sensually energetic of all the signs [...] They are thus capable of the greatest heights of passionate transport, but debauchery and perversion are always dangers, and Scorpios can become sadistic monsters of sensuality and eroticism. Their feelings are so intense that even when their love is of the highest, and most idealistic kind, they are nevertheless frequently protagonists in tragic, even violent romances, "star-crossed lovers."

go check out http://www.astrology-online.com/ if you want to see yours.

(yes, finals still suck, but you saw the description, I'm a procrastinator...)

the finals made me do it

This week: 2 projects, 1 paper

Next week: 3 papers

The week after that: 4 final exams, 1 paper

And that's in addition to my normal workload, which usually keeps me up all night. So, the next time you hear from me, I'll probably be homicidal. Please forgive.

Mass Appeal

I have a project for my mass media class due Thursday. There is a book I need to read before I can begin to work on it. Someone has had this book out from my school's library for like two months. Cough, asshole. Anyway, since time is winding down, I figured I should just go buy it. Thus, I ended up in Downtown Crossings on a Friday afternoon, which is always a bad idea. Crowds and I don't get along.

So, I was walking and I spot this group of shifty looking guys on the corner. They had to be like 15 years old. Which meant trouble for me, because those are exactly the kind of guys that always try to "holla" at me. I went out of my way to put people between me and them. Didn't work. One of the guys (let's call him guy #1) literally slides around a bunch of people and starts walking next to me. The conversation went something like this:

guy #1: hey, can I talk to you for a minute?
me: silence
guy #1: what's your name?
me: rolled my eyes and sighed heavily
guy #1: you can't talk?
me: No
guy #1: why not?
me: Busy

At about this point another one of the guys pulled up on my other side.

guy #2: esperate un momento, mami
me: silence
guy #2: you speak spanish?
me: No
guy #2: Oh, what are you then?
me: silence

Then another guy walked up. Maybe I should mention that guy #1 was black, guy #2 was latino, and guy #3 was white, because I found this multiracial, united, attack front somewhat entertaining. I should also note that I never stopped walking, so they were following me for a like a block and a half. Anyway, the conversation proceeded.

guy #3: word? she got a batman shirt on?
guy#1: yea, yo. she's gansta.
guy #2: nah, she's gonna fly away.

I don't really understand why the shirt was funny, but they thought so. By this point, we were in front of Barnes & Noble, so I opened the door and went inside. The boys lingered in front of the entrance.

guy #1: why you gonna go in there? cus you know we don't read? that's fucked up.

And sure enough, they would not come in the store. It was like in the movies when people run inside of a church to escape the bad guy. They really just couldn't cross the threshold. So I found myself in this weird position where I was like...Yes! They can't read. While simultaneously thinking it was a damn shame that they were ok openly admitting that to a stranger.

To those boys and everyone else who doesn't know: It is not cool to be stupid. In fact, it's just a facet of that crab-in-a-barell mentality that 'minorities' use to oppress one another. How can we ever hope to stand on equal ground with the people in power if we keep ourselves on a lower plane of knowledge? Think about it. Just think in general.

Dollars and Mulattoes

So, I had a funny conversation/argument the other day. It went something like this...

Guy: I don't know if I want to buy tea. But I don't want to pay $1 for it, because I only want the tea bag, not the cup and the water. I want to make it myself.
Me: What's the difference if you make it or they make it for you?
Guy: I just don't know if I want to spend the dollar.
Me: ...ok. Well, I don't they're going to give it to you for free and if you can spare the dollar, what's the big deal?
Guy: A dollar is a lot of money. There are some people who make less than that in a day of hard work.
Me: Yes, but you aren't one of them.
Guy: So, you're saying that I should just forget about everyone else and just think about myself?
Me: No, I just don't see what difference it makes whether you keep the dollar or spend it. Either way you aren't giving it to the people that need it.
Guy: So I just shouldn't think about them at all? It doesn't matter if I waste money even though there are some people who would kill for a dollar? I can just throw away food while people are starving?
Me: I'm not advocating that you be wasteful. I'm just saying, if you aren't going to actually help these people that you seen so concerned about, then stop complaining. Whether you spend $1 on a teabag or save it for something else, you are benefiting yourself. Either you will get tea now that makes your throat feel better or you'll have more money to spend on something else you want later. How does either of those options affect the starving people you mentioned?
Guy: So nothing I do matters? I should just be selfish and just not care about anyone else? That's what you're saying?
Me: ......

Now...either I'm not as clear a speaker as I think I am or this guy was totally beyond the reach of logic. I mean, it'd be cool if he disagreed with me, but he didn't even understand what I was saying. How do you talk to someone like that?


In other news, I was in downtown Boston the other day and a guy called me a mulatto. I was coming back from seeing a movie: Thank You For Smoking. It's greatness can, in my opinion, be summed up in this line: "If you argue correctly, you're never wrong." But anyway, I was walking back to the T with my bf and this middle aged Black man walks up to us. He goes into this spiel about running some organization that does diversity education and needing some donations. And he randomly stops and asks what my ethnicity is. I guess that's not completely irrelevant given what he's talking about. However, it's not exactly tactful, especially for someone who does race education. So, I tell him I'm black and white and he says something to the effect of "Oh. That's ok. It's ok to be multatto."

1. Mulato literally means "little mule"
2. Mulatto in the context of the US brings to mind Jim Crow and the "One-Drop" Rule

Do you go around calling anyone "little mule" or "octoroon"? Don't think so. Plus, what hell does that mean "its ok to be mulatto"? He made it sound as if being biracial is something he expected me to feel ashmed of and something a person needs comfort and support to get through. It's not a disease. It's not a tragedy. I'm not scarred for life. Thanks though, asshole.

Um, despite the fact that I've been ranting...
Peace, love, and blessings

So, it's been a long time. Yous guys got a problem with that?

If you do, oh well. This blog is all about me anyway. Who cares about you? Me, me, me, me, me, me, me!

Speaking of which...I've been feeling kinda crappy lately, so I'm going to vent here. Deal. Or don't. Just don't expect me to care either way. So...

I have this guy friend. And I have this very blushing, school-girlish, going-no-where (mainly because I have a bf who I love and wouldn't dream of leaving) crush on him. He's wonderfully intelligent, cynical, and awkward and he's great. I am not alone in feeling this. Pretty much everyone ever is crazy about him, but for some reason he didn't take the attention seriously and never actually tried to pursue any of the vast options he had. However, in the last couple of weeks, I think he's realized that he is a senior, he has nothing to lose, and that he really is as attractive as everyone is always saying he is. Long story short, he's lost the timidity and now he's juggling like 5 or so women.

Great for him. And I'm really serious about that. I'm happy for him. He's a great guy and he deserves some play. When I get into the emotions this change has brought up in me, don't mistake it for mere cattish jealously, because it's not. Shoot, I never had any intention of getting with him, so it's not that I'm mad that I don't have the opportunity now. I am jealous, but not of the girls spending time with him. It's more than that. I'm jealous of him, of that freedom he's found, of all the options he has.

Another warning: I am not jealous of his being single and being able to date as many people as he wants, although at first that's what I thought it was. I thought maybe I was bored with my relationship. I thought maybe I just get tired of the same person after about 2 years (if one is to judge by my relationship history). I thought maybe I might be one of those people who need periodic change, who can never be happy with one person, who'll always think 'what if.'

But then I realized it's not that. I know myself. 2 weeks tops and I'd be so depressed by the emptiness of jumping from person to person without having any deep, substancial relationship with any of them and I'd be ready to tear out my hair. The fact of the matter is that kind of single lifestyle has never appealed to me. Despite my best efforts to the contrary, I am, at the core, a solitary, melancholy, introverted, antisocial, person. All of my social interactions are superficial and devoid of any meaning, as far as I'm concerned. It's all bullshit. It's all play (in the theatrical sense). And I'm a bad actor at that. I don't want a single trivial relationship more than is necessary. Thus, 5 guys hanging around to do nothing more than flatter and fuck me = not appealing.

So, I am not jealous of the single lifestyle. I like my relationship. It's closer to perfection than I would ever be bold enough to ask for or think I deserve. I'm comfortable with it and happy in it. And it keeps me sane to know there is at least one person out there who knows me well enough that, if I died this second, could pass on a close to accurate representation of me to others so that I wouldn't just dissappear from the record of human history. But I digress.

Point is, I don't want to be single. I want to be free. And granted, my guy friend isn't free now, but he's more free than he was a week ago, so his situation got me to thinking: I really am banging my head against the bars of my invisible prison right now and it hurts. I am so fucking stuck where and I right now and I always will be. Don't mistake me - by where I am, I don't mean school, or MA, or in a relationship; I mean organized society as a whole. Everything is so laid out and preplanned. Everything is so limited. I can do this, I can't do that. Any deviation from the blueprint has serious consequences, which usually entail you being screwed for the rest of your life in some way or another.

And I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of having to go to class, of having to do homework, of having to get a job I'll hate just to live comfortably. When the fuck do I get to live at all? I don't want to pencil my bf in around my schedule. I don't want to have to fit my sexuality in when there's time and supress it when there's not. I don't want to relegate my passions in life to the realm of 'free time' which never materializes.

Routine is a fucking killer. I'm never finished with the things I have to do. I just takes breaks, because sometimes I'm too exhuasted to go on. Or sometimes I feel like if I spend one more second doing some bullshit that I could care less about while the years roll by, I will fukcing lose my mind. Like seriously. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to bang my head against the cement walls of my room. I want to hit things. I want to hit myself. I want to sleep even though I can never make up for all the hours I've lost or be well rested ever again.

Call it laziness if you like. But I feel oppressed.

People are supposed to work their whole lives, so that they can be free in old age. Both my mother and my grandmother died at age 47. What happens if I work and work and work and never get to live? What kind of life is that?

What's the point of life? Ever since I've been able to comprehend the question, my answer has always been: TO LIVE. There's nothing before life that I can remember and as far as any of us know, there's nothing after. We make a metaphysical debate out of what is a natural process. Sperm, egg, life, death, decay. We come and we go and the world remains. Even the greatest men and women, the ones that have changed the world, only have minimal significance in the present moment. We might document their existence or their actions or their image or their words. But we don't really remember them, because we don't really know them. Is that worth working your whole life for: to be a sentence in a history book. Isn't it more important to be happy while you're alive than to be vaguely recalled when you're dead?

But what can you really do? What can I really do? I see no way out...

Things I Hate Right Now

1. FINALS - One week, 5 papers, and 2 exams. School is such a bitch. If finals were living beings, I would kill them so slowly and painfully that even Rasputin would feel compelled to tip his hat to them.

2. PEOPLE TELLING ME THAT I LOOK TIRED - Thank you, but I already know. Every day of my life at least 10 people tell me. And no, it's not because I didn't sleep well last night. It's just the way I look. I have permanent bags under my eyes and they aren't going away. So, there is no need to remind everytime you see me, ok?

3. WHEN PEOPLE TRY TO STAY IN THE CAMPUS CENTER AFTER 1AM - Look, I know you have homework and exams and tests. So do I. Which is exactly why I like to close the building on time and get home. You can't just stay in the building. I will kick you out. I have homework too. I need sleep sometimes. But does anyone ever think of that? No.

4. PEOPLE HAVING DRAMATIC CONVERSATIONS IN THE HALLWAYS - I realize that our dorm has terrible reception, but when I come home at night, I do not want to see you bawling on the staircase. If you are having a personal conversation, go somewhere private. No more arguments, breakups, or phone sex in the hallways!


That's all for now. If I think of anything else, I'll let you know.

Salman Rushdie has been to ... Tuftsie!

You have no idea how awsome it is to se an author you admire in the flesh. You fall in love with their words, with their images, their ideas. You construct their identities in you head. You know how they think, what they sound like, what they like to wear. Script on a page always gives the illusion of authority and truth and unbias. So, in a way, you idolize them. Then you see them. And the preconception is shattered 9 times out of 10. They are small, soft spoken, balding: just an ordinary person. But I don't find this discouraging. On the contrary, they are ordinary people, just like me.

So, as you've probably gathered, Salman Rushdie spoke tonight at Tufts. He's an amazing, sarcastically witty, socially conscious, little man and I loved him, albeit from afar. Below is my a list of tonight's highlights.


Paraphrases of Salman Rushdie's memorable quotes (tee hee):

It's great that you all would come listen to a writer speak. No writer should ever be allowed to do that, by the way.

About the fatwa issued by Ayatollah Khomeini, it's important to note that ... one of us is dead. What's that saying? The pen is mightier than the sword? The lesson is, don't mess with a writer.

I think the reason there is so much tension between politicians and writers is because they are fighting for the same power: the power to describe the world to people.

People accuse me of writing fantasy or magical realism. But in truth, I tone down reality in my novels. Reality is actually much stranger than anything that can be made up. In what we consider to be ordinary life, there are these strange growths that cannot be figured out. What shall I call them? Bushes?

Girl: Earlier you read a passage suggesting that truth and integrity often come in conflict with one another and that in such situations integrity is given precident, do you think our present government values integrity over truth?
Rushdie: Well, I was being satirical. That is what us writers call a joke. Of course, I don't really think that integrity should be valued over truth.

As a fiction writer people often assume that what one is writing is an autobiography in disguise. All of my main characters, I think, have been very different from one another and yet people always assume that they are me. Which means, I must have led a very interesting life.


He also talked about more relevant things, such as his facination with boundaries and the ways in which they simultaneously include some people and exculde others, the ways in which power works, the importance of free speech, where the line should be drawn for censorship, religion, gender, etc. You'll have to excuse me, I am so in aspiring writer's heaven right now.

Catch-up

August 22nd: I packed up my things and moved out of the place I had been subletting all summer. I had to leave my stuff there for a few days thouigh, because I wasn't allowed to move into my dorm until the 26th and Reslife wouldn't let me drop off my belongings until the 24th.

August 24th: Having been told by Reslife that all I needed to do in order to move in was pick up the keys to my dorm between 9am and 5pm in the facilities building and then put my things in my room, my boyfriend's housemate dropped my bf and I off at Tufts around 4pm. However, upon arriving at the facilities building, I found out that I would be expected to return the keys before 5pm. Knowing this was highly unlikely, I accepted the keys. My bf and I then walked the 5 or 6 blocks to the nearest UHaul and rented a van. Then we drove to the place I had been subletting during the summer and brought my things down from the second floor and put them in the van. This was harder than it sounds, because the stairwells in the house are steeper than necessary. Before we leave, the girls returning to house for the school year remind me that I owe utilities for the entire summer, not because I neglected to pay them, but because this is the first time they've informed me of how much and whom to pay. After this lovely bit of news, my bf and I manuever the huge UHaul van down the steep hill on which the house is located and slowly (trying not to send any of my belongings crashing into each other) drive the short distance to my new dorm. When we arrive, it's at least 4:30pm. By the time we finish bringing everything I own up three flights of stairs to my room, it's nearly six. I figure since I'll be returning to campus on the 26th, it'll be fine if I just hold onto my keys for two days. We return the UHaul, grab something to eat at Dunkin Donuts, and await a ride back to Revere where I've been spending the time between "sublet move out" and "dorm move in" with my boyfriend in his new apartment.

August 26th: My bf and his housemate drive me back to Tufts. The first thing I do is go to facilities to retrieve my ID (because they held my it in exchange for my dorm keys on the 24th). I tell the girl what happened, she looks annoyed. She doesn't give me my ID, but instead takes down my number and says she'll have her supervisor call me when she returns to the office. This is irritating because I'd wanted to wash clothes, but I needed my ID to do that. So, after this small defeat, my merry band of three heads over to my dorm. However, my keys aren't working. None of the four doors will open. After about 15 minutes of waiting for someone to come out of the building so we could sneak in, I call TUPD. They tell me they'll send someone over in a few minutes to let me in. After about 15 more minutes, some other people try getting into the building and also fail, disproving my theory that the facilities people disabled by keys out of spite. These peoplel also call TUPD and immediately the doors open. I'm thinking "motherbitches." Why couldn't they just do that the first time I called. Of course by this time, both my bf and his housemate are thoroughly annoyed and I feel bad. Still, before leaving, my bf helps me arrange the furniture in my room. He's great. Then they peace out and I start setting up my room.

August 27th - 30th: OSA training: icebreakers, teambuilders, a few serious discussions, amazing chocolate cake, campfire & smores, very clear sky with a beautiful view of the stars, playstation KAREOKE (yes, we were sober and yes, it was amazing), softball, training the newsies, take-out food, good laughs.

September 3rd & 4th: Went with my best friend to one of his family friend's summer spots on Lake Winepesaki (NH). Ate mussels, played bocci, had a candle light dinner with a bunch of old(er) people, swam in the lake, motorboated across the lake, had some delicious ice cream, saw The Brother's Grimm, minigolfed (right next to a fireworks show which kept showering us with debris), played arcade games.

Aside from that...working, classes, homework, spending time with my bf. Now you are caught-up. Feel good about yourself.

Kissed The Girls And Made Them Cry

Yesterday:

I watched High Fidelity (you know... romantic comedy, John Cusack?). Well, I really liked the movie. I mean, it isn't Oscar winning material, but it's a realistic look at relationships and love. The main couple break up and later get back together (of course) not because they realize that they are madly in love, can't live without each other, and could never imagine being with another person, but simply because they have something good. Its not spectacular, its not amazing, but just...good. Stable, dependable, realiable, REAL. Without a doubt, there will be times when one or the other or both will desire something else or lust for someone else. Shit, you don't always like the people you love. But in the end, you do always love them and they always love you. You could cheat everytime you had the urge, but you'd always come home to that one person. After awhile of that kind of running around, you'd realize that there is very little point in the affairs and they'd stop. That's kinda how I feel love is. You never find the perfect person, but now and again you meet a person who just feels like home. They don't give you high highs or low lows. You just live, like you've always lived except now its so much easier and happier, because you've got a companion to share everything with.

* * * *

I saw Eric Benét perform at Club Paradise in Downtown Boston. Now, I have never been one of those women that thought Eric Benét was fine. In fact, I always thought he was a bit overrated. But, I was wrong. He was a amazing. He is very handsome, a sharp dresser, cool and funny, and he can "sang." I can understand why he gets himself into so much trouble with the ladies. He's got that whole "grown and sexy" thing going on. Which reminds me, he was definately flirting with one of his backup singers all night. In my opinion, either he is hitting that or he's trying to hit that. Hey, I don't blame him. Homegirl can sing; she did Tamia's part on "Spend my life with you" and was hitting all the notes. Anyone that can hang with Tamia is nice. And she was fine too. If I were a guy, I'd probably try to hit that, lol. Anyway, the concert was amazing. Although, my boyfriend and I were probably the youngest people at the club. That always happens to us. We may look young, but according to our interests, we're actally middle-aged. The band (The Movement) that opened for Eric Benét (they were amazing also) covered some oldies but goodies and everyone was looking at my bf and me like we were crazy because we knew the words when clearly the music was before our time. Which reminds me; Eric Benét's cover of "I wanna be your lover" by Prince was GREAT. If you don't know that song, go download it right this instant. Now. NOW. NOWER!