Indifference

I'm taking the GREs tomorrow.

I should get some sleep. I probably won't.

I should have studied A LOT more. I didn't.

This is probably the most important test you will ever take said somone. They're probably right.

I should care. I don't.

I'm seriously considering skipping out on the test. But it's paid for, so I might as well take it. I guess.

I just don't give a damn. From the severe senioritis I'm suffering from right now, I know for a fact that I don't want to go to grad school. I don't want to do more tedious work, more research, more "learning." I just want to write and draw and read. That's it. That's my ambition. I don't need a MA or a PHD to feel good about myself at night. I just need to be able to do something with my life that I don't loathe. So yea...couldn't give a fuck less about the GREs.

In other news, my playwriting teacher invited our class to her apartment to hang out today. It was nice. We just sat around and talked about plays, fiction, literature, films, etc. I love writers.

Speaking of writing, I have this idea for a Naruto fanfic that's been burning my mind all day. I've never written fanfiction, but this idea refuses to be let go so I guess I'll have to do it.

Sadly, Naruto fanfic has been getting me through life for the last few weeks. Pathetic. I know. It's been mostly smut too. Even more pathetic. I know. Who knew I liked that kind of thing? I usually sit comfortably on my literary high horse refusing to even look at crap like that.

Doh well. Que sera, sera.

Angst: Apparently Not Just A Teenage Phase

So, I'm working the closing shift at my job for the third night in the row. Why? Because I'm the responsible one. Because I'm the one with the good work ethic. Because I'm the one that holds things together. Because I'm the one that always sucks it up and does what needs to be done because, well, somebody has to do it.

I've skipped all my classes for the last 3 days. Homework too.

I'm tired of being responsible.

I don't want to do school anymore. But it isn't just school. I won't want to do work when that comes either. I don't want to do anything that I don't want to do. I don't want obligations. I don't want obligations monopolizing my time, leaving me so spent at the end of the day that I don't have the energy to do the things I love.

I know. It sounds lazy. People have to work. That's just the way it is. A person's got to eat. But I just wish life were simpler. It's too damn short to waste doing things you don't like. Isn't it?

But if I sit around doing the things I like all day (sleeping, writing, drawing, reading, music, TV, video games, sex...) I'll struggle. I'll live uncomfortably. I mean, really, what are the chances that any of my writing will ever be profitable enough to live on? Let alone soon enough to allow me to never have to do things I don't like. I don't want to struggle anymore. I've had enough of that in my life.

Angst. That's what I feel. There's no better way to describe it. And there's no way to get rid of it. Sometimes I can lock it away, push it down under my subconscious for a little while, but it always resurfaces, strong as it ever was.

It's depressing. It makes me want to give up and just lie in bed all day. But I don't. And I won't. Because I am the kind of person who always sucks it up and does what needs to be done. Because what else are you going to do?